10 Things You Should NOT Say to a Grieving Parent

Obviously this list is not exhaustive. Please leave your comment. I would love to know your thoughts and maybe some other things you have heard and are missing in my list.

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​1. You will never see him/her again. 
This is by far the worst thing to say ever! It was a close family member who said this to my husband. Even if you don't personally believe in heaven and hell, you should NOT say that to any grieving person. For Christians, Heaven is our ONLY hope and comfort. Why would you try to destroy it? What is your benefit? 

2. Your child died because ['you made a mistake'].
Someone said this to my husband, just in other words. Our son died in a tragic accident that involved my husband. He did all his best for safety. He didn't make a mistake. It was an accident. Blaming only causes hurt and damage. I never blamed my husband for what happened. Accidents happen all the time. Who am I to blame him? It could've happened to me. God allowed it to happen and we don't know why. Never blame a grieving parent to explain why you believe the child died. 

3. God chastens His children.
You have a wrong understanding of who God really is. Sounds like a cruel God to me. If you believe God would take away your child to chasten you, you are in spiritual bondage because you have to live in fear all the time. God didn't give us the spirit of fear but of love, power, and a sound mind. Chastisement is temporary but child loss is a life time. Again, don't blame or try to explain why you believe the child died. 

My advice for bereaved parents: Stay away from people with this TOXIC BELIEF. Pray, forgive and bless them. But choose someone else to support you. God allowed your child to die but He did not take away your child to chasten you. Chastisement is TEMPORARY but child loss is a life time. No one knows better what you feel like than the Heavenly Father, who gave His only begotten Son to die for us. He is our helper and comforter. He will never leave us. He always keeps His promises. Even if we can't see it yet. 

4. You have to move on. OR Get over it.
Obviously you don't know what you're talking about. Let bereaved parents grieve in their own pace. Child loss changed the whole world for us. It changed our whole life. It changed us. Please be patient and kind! 

5. God won't give you more than you can handle. 
I lost count how many times we heard this from different people. 
Dear fellow Christians, we know you mean good but it just doesn't help if you say that. People don't lose their child because they can "HANDLE" it. No grieving parent believes their are strong enough to handle child loss well. We have no other choice. 

6. I am grieving like it is my own child. 
Only the mother and father grieve like they lost their own child because they did. 

7. I know what you feel like. 
Most people rightly acknowledge the fact that child loss can't be compared with other losses because it's an out of order death. Most say: "I can't imagine what you feel like." And we hope you never will! But there are a few people who insist on having knowledge without personal experience. Or they compare it to other hard times in their life. If you have never buried your own child you can't know what it feels like. It is worse than you could ever imagine. 

8. "AT LEAST" [....]
I think that people only mean good and try to cheer us up. But for many grieving parents it sounds offensive and it can take years to learn to be thankful and optimistic again. Bereaved parents, we should not compare our losses with each other. Any child loss is tragic. Any child loss is an out of natural order death. Age of the child, reason of death, siblings or not...there is nothing that would make it less tragic and painful. 

9. Heaven needed another angel.
Excuse me, but this only sounds like empty words. "Heaven needed..., He/She is an angel ..., He/She is watching over you..." is only a lame try to justify why child loss may be not as bad as we feel like. I don't believe in a god who takes away children because he needs angels in heaven. Maybe there are bereaved parents who feel better in believing their children watch over them. But for me personally, please don't say that! I find it strange and creepy. I know that I will see my child in heaven again. But I also know we are humans and not angels. Our son is NOT an angel. Neither is our miscarriage. They are in heaven with new perfect bodies.   Without sin.   Without pain.   Without age. 
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10. YOU HAVE TO ['...get out, come here, go there, do this, do that...']
People have to stop talking long empty speeches to bereaved parents. If you really have good advice to share, please keep in mind:

GOOD ADVICE AT THE RIGHT TIMING IS THE BEST ADVICE. 

Better it is to SAY LESS AND LISTEN MORE.

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​IN A NUTSHELL:

• Do not try to explain the reason why you think the child died.
• Do not try to justify that child loss is in any way a good thing. That it had to happen or else...
• Do not try to counsel grieving parents unless they ask you to. Especially if you are not a bereaved parent yourself. 
• ​Do not expect them to grieve like you do.

Always remember: LOVE IS PATIENT AND LOVE IS KIND!

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